Alone

All my life, i've been trying to make people like me, do things so that they'll like me, i'm willing to sacrifice myself for others because i hope they'll stay or they will be there in return. I guess i should stop and focus on myself. The fear of me being alone scared me, but i think it's time to face it. For real. 

Kalau saya takde;

Dunia pasti lebih indah
Kamu semua pasti lebih bahagia

Random thoughts that come to my mind

I just wanna share my thoughts and also my conversation with my partner today. He called me after 3 days, he's been so busy for the past few days and we're on our rough time. Can't blame my menstruation for this. I guess this is the part of growing up. Few mins before we ended the call, i looked at him, we both quiet and not saying anything. Then i said, 'i'm sorry'. He asked me 'why?' I told him 'because you know me right now. We should be happy before be in a relationship instead of being in a relationship to find happiness. It's all wrong.' - it's not your responsible to make me happy. I should make myself happy. Because of i'm not happy with myself, i became extra sensitive and being needy most of the time. I wish i'm simple and not overthink about everything. 

I'm so grateful to have him. He's seen my worst. But that's not really the worst. I'm afraid of me being myself but what if he gets tired of it. I might be cheerful at times but other time i might always wanting to have my own space and thinking about my life. And there'll be times i need him a little bit more. I hope he will support me through my ups and downs. I won't expect him to be there to cheer me up. But i hope he will support me to be better and trust my capabilities. I know it's a long process and takes a lot of time and effort. I wish he will bear all those days when it's hard for us. I wish to do the same for him as well. I hope i'm not being selfish this time around because for the first time in my life, i want something more than myself. I pray a little harder. I told Him about my partner. When days are nice and when days were kinda rough. I know He will help me because He knows the best.

And here goes to my past relationships, i know most of the time i was being needy and selfish. It must has been hard for them to deal with me. I was young and immature. Expecting others to make me feel better when i was mad or had my mental breakdown. Though, it didn't end up well. Mostly because of my temper and inconsideration. But all those things made me who i am today. I look back and realised why it didn't end up well. I learnt from it. I started to control my temper and thoughts. Even though it's not fully berjaya laa i would say, but i would to take things at slower phase tapi maintain it. But at the same time, it scares me juga like when things jadi i rasa did i make the same thing again? Am i going back to my old self. I just hope i will be better each day.

Apart from that, i always pray that Allah will make myself a better person. Because i know kalau i jaga hubungan dengan Dia, buat apa Dia suruh everything will fall into their own places. So just keep on doa and do the good deeds. Biar sikit asalkan istiqomah. Stay home and stay safe everyone, xx sheda

Ramadhan Kareem!

Assalamualaikum and hi everyone or anyone?

Alhamdulillah dapat merasa another Ramadhan. I feel so lucky. Hehehe. Okay laa, just nak let it out apa i rasa. I feel really gloomy honestly, i feel burden and my heart feels so heavy. Ya Allah, i just hope all these feelings will end soon. I tengok this one ceramah by Ustaz Ahmad Dusuki with Prof. Muhaya, Prof said kalau nak move forward sayangi diri sendiri and maafkan diri sendiri. Look in the mirror and admit what you've done and forgive yourself. I rasa macam terkesan dengan apa dia cakap. I haven't love myself all these while. I hurt myself. I look in the mirror and i cried because why did i hurt myself just because i feel sad? I know i should let the emotions with the situation at the moment but i shouldn't treat myself like that, because no one else will be there for me unless myself. This Ramadhan so far has made realise so many things yang i took for granted or things yang i patut buat dari awal lagi.

I always wanted to feel loved by someone. I always wanted to be heard or appreciated. But then i realised yang as much as we want it, i shouldn't have any expectation for those things. Bila expectation kita tu tak dapat, kita sedih and akan tertanya kenapa orang tak nampak or faham kita. So Prof said, ingat 7S ni, syukur, sabar, sayang, sedar diri, sedekah, sillaturrahim and another one i tak dapat. Dengan tu kita akan rasa content and selalu optimistic. Ingat yang Allah selalu ada. Allah yang paling sayang kita. This thing i write it here just a reminder for myself yang i should move forward, feel content and be happy. I have Him and my family.

Since everyone is in a RMO, i would like to suggest you guys to start do a lot or reading and listen to any podcast or ceramah online. Let's filled this Ramadhan with a lot of good deeds. Stay safe and stay at home since i don't think this COVID-19 will end anytime soon until they find the vaccine and cure to it. So wash your hands and do social distancing.

Anyway, if anyone by chance read this and know me. I wanna say sorry if saya ada salah silap. Kalau ada nak settle sila pm tepi. hiks. I love you guys so much. xx, sheda

what happened to me?

hello, it is has been more than a year i since my last post. There's so many things had happened. I'm done with my final exam last July. Alhamdulillah, i passed my exams and currently doing my internship for another few months till I'll be back for good in Malaysia.

My personal life has been good so far. I'm with someone that love me unconditionally and always make me feel i can be better everyday. Thanks to him, i appreciate myself more and see things differently. I love you sayaaangg. Okay that's all for now. Adios.

Mak

I have this strong attachment with my mom. As the last child in the family of course laa i rapat gila with my mom. My mom is a housewife. So basically i membesar with my mom around me, she is my first teacher, my first . She doesn't know how to drive, so when i was a kid we used to jalan kaki to go to pasar during weekdays because abah kerja or me and my mom ride a basikal to pasar. Idk how my mom manage bawak i nak basikal. Kiteorang naik basikal yang ada bakul kat depan and i akan duduk kat belakang. It was fun you know when i have those kind of memories with my mom. Then i selalu teman my mom pergi mengaji but i ended up tertidur atas peha dia. So basically ke mana mak i pergi, i will be there. My mom always tried her best to give everything yang i nak masa i kecil dulu. And ingat lagi dulu nearest supermarket was giant at Taman Permata, so dulu nak pergi sana it's either my dad hantar, naik cab or naik bus. So bila my dad busy, kiteorang akan pergi naik bus. Bus tu kiteorang panggil bus hijau. Because it's green in colour. So akan duduk tunggu bus and then turun. Balik usually akan naik cab. But never once my mom mengeluh dia tak reti drive. And masa i kecil i selalu rasa my mom paling trust i, sebab i kalau nak beli barang ke apa, dia lagi percaya i tahu apa dia nak compared to my brother. So kalau dia nak suruh kiteorang beli barang, dia selalu suruh i ikut skali. Sebab my brother ni geli dgn ikan ke ayam. So i lah kena beli.

Then, this one time, i akan pergi sekolah agama dia hantar. Kiteorang akan jalan kaki together, she dropped me at school and dia akan pergi kedai kawan dia and fetched me later or dia balik rumah and datang ambil later. So ada one time ni, my mom lambat sikit. So i memang punctual gila. 2.30pm i dah kena gerak. So that day my mom lambat, so i keluar rumah and jalan sendiri ke sekolah. Can you imagine? Kalau aku lah ada anak camtu memang dah kena marah dah. My mom passed by my school and dia tgk i, pastu i toleh buat buat tak nampak. Hahahaha. what a brat? So fast forward masa i nak masuk stf, i cam okay je. My mom, of course lah dia berat hati. I pergi pun sebab my sister insisted me sebab dia teringin nak masuk asrama. So masa hantar tu of course lah sedih takde kawan. Second day, i called her cakap dah taknak dah kat sini. Dorang masak ikan. Sebab i am very choosy with my food. Pastu mak i cam, mak nak buat cemana? Mak tak dapat datang. Basically dia tak layan pun i nak keluar. Hahahaha. When i was in stf, i start jauh sikit dari family. Basically i rasa i ada life i sendiri. Tapi tu lah menyesal gak. Sebab my parents rarely datang visit me. Sebab semua orang busy.

My mom, has been a greatest mom ever. Dia jahitkan i baju raya i or any thing yang i nak. Dia akan tolong i bila i ada exam seni and dia bagi banyak idea. And dia akan cakap how her dad was very artistic and buat macam macam masa dia kecil dulu. And everytime i nak pergi sekolah, dia akan mandikan i every morning. Ikat rambut i the way i want it to be. Siapkan bag i, air nak pergi sekolah. Lipatkan lengan baju i every morning. Gosokkan baju. Sometimes, i wonder what if i tak masuk stf, my life would be different? Will i regret that i grow up jauh dari family i all these while? I rasa masa i kat kms je best sbb mak and abah datang almost every week. Pernah one time tu abah kerja kat Myanmar, so takde sape nak hantar mak kat kms visiting me. And i merajuk, tetiba dia whatsapp kata dia datang dgn kakak i. I was so happy sbb masa tu i dah nangis dah dia taknak datang. Kalau mak i tak datang pun i akan balik rumah naik ktm. Almost every week i akan jumpa mak and my family. And ada satu masa ni, i kena chicken pox masa kat kms. I called my mom tengah hari tu kata mak orang nak balik, harini juga. And my mom kata okaylah nanti dia suruh abah balik awal.

To think of what she have done to me all these while, makes me feel what a blessing for me to have her. Though i selalu terasa, sebab ye lah i kan suka nak menggedik. But she's done everything for me. Dari i kecil sampailah i kebesar ni. Everyday i pray to Allah, that He grant both of my parents health and happiness in their life sebab jaga i dari kecil till this day. For being the bestest thing i have in my life. For able to fulfil my needs and wants. For always have time to gossiping with me. For always knows whats the best for me. And for always giving me advices and be someone yang i can rely on. Some part me still regret going to india, sebab jauh dengan family. It's been years since i jauh dgn family i. Not be able to be there in every occasions sedih weh. I think i've had enough being apart from my family. Homesick pula tetiba writing this. Okaylah sheda nak focus study dah now, so boleh balik Malaysia cepat. Kbye. (literally crying on my bed now) so i cannot proceed with my entry. Sorry guys. 

Friend?

I have been a little sceptical about friends. When i was in primary, i had many friends as i can get along with everyone. Tho some people who didnt know me thought i was ignorant/sombong just because i actually didnt know how to start a conversation. But those who closed with me i can joke around or at least i know what they like or what they didnt so i know to what extent i can joke around. I played with everyone in the taman so many people joined and we had like a larger group to play "police-entry" and "ice melt" those kind of things.

But as i grow older, i went to a boarding school far from home. I met new friends and know new people and maybe i changed with the environment as well. But i would say i had fun in the old days with my friends. Create memories together. Those days were filled with joy and laughter. But i realized that people dont stay. As i finished my highschool, i enter a new phase of life. I went into a college. I am the only person from my school. And i made new friends again and create new memories.

They are few things happened in my life, when i thought will not happen. When i was a kid i hope my bestfriends will always be there till we die and what not. But things didnt happen they way i want it to be. I remembered a day that i had a fight with my family because i defended my friends and my brother told me "KAWAN KAU BUKAN STAY SAMPAI MATI PUN" and i was really devastated with him and my family at the time. Which later i had a huge fight with them. Little did i know, now i end up end my friendship with those friends because they talk behind my back. I dont know if my family cursed me for being friends with them ke apa. But yeah shit happened.

The thing is, i have a small circle of friends that i cherish on now. I didnt expect much from my friends but the least thing i hope is they stay there for me and just be my real friends. I dont really contact them as much as i did back then as everyone is busy with their commitments. But i really appreciate their existence in my life. To my old friends, tho some part of me still angry for those who backstabbed me. Even at times i wonder what went wrong or what did i do to you guys? But i think Allah give me lessons through people. They taught me what life is. And those old friends that i lost contact with, i remember some of you guys and thanks for memories. And those who is still with me, i would like to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for stay with me. And for people out there, who have friends, appreciate them. My mom selalu pesan "kalau nak percaya orang berpada-pada, benci orang jangan sekali"