I had my first heart broken when i was 19 years old. I feel like my world is collapsed and i didn't know what my future holds me. It is indeed one of those period of times which is very hard for me to face. I thought as i grow bigger, i can overcome all the circumstances in my life as i thought i already faced the hardest phase of my life. But, i am wrong.

Coming to India and studying here is the biggest decision i made by myself. My mom already advised me about it. But i chose to stick to my decision. I thought everything will just fine or at least be normal and time will fly so fast that i wont realize it. But again, i am wrong. Living here is the another hardest phase in my life. The environment, people, college and even the animals can irritate me. And even worst, i just started to curse at everything that makes me annoy. Even when the cow is sitting in the middle of the road, i will whine.

At first I didnt realize that i am changing. You know, from someone yang can sabar to some extent to a person yg being extra panas baran. And the worst thing is, i started thinking of so many things. I didnt know how it is started but i started feeling of dont wanna do anything. I just wanna sleep all day errday. I dont want to interact as i think everything annoys me. And makin lama i rasa that everyone abandoned me here. I started being stressful on so many things. And ended up, im having a mild depression. And even sometimes, some things were just annoyed me, stressed me up - i started thinking of how does it feel to cut myself. How does it feel if i kill myself. And the hardest thing is, when i open up to someone, that how miserable my life is, and even said that i thought about suicide, they'll tell me. "Sheda awak ni islam kan?" "jangan buat benda bodoh sheda" "Sheda solat jaga ibadat, baca Quran". The funny thing is, i never skipped my solat, i read Quran, from time to time i do listen to ceramah in youtube or whatnot. I am sad because no one, wants to know what i feel deep inside me. It's just all messed up down here. And now, i just keep everything to myself.

Maybe it's true, my iman is not strong enough. Who knows isnt it? I'm writing this is not to get any attention from anyone, but just to make people realize that, there's a lot people like me. Yang feeling devastated, down, stress and depress. But when they started open up to you, please listen. If you dont have anything to say, at least being a listener. Jangan simply judge that we dont solat or ibadat ke apa. Some of us, we never forget our obligation. We just need a company. Who wants to listen and be there. 

Abah

I kow my exam is coming (which is next week). But let me take a moment to write a post about my lovely abah. 

ABAH

Abah is the most hardworking person i've ever known in my life. I used to be so close with my dad when i was a kid. Probably because im the youngest in my family. What people usually called daddy's little girl. I remember how he used to back me up when mom scolded me. Dia akan pujuk sheda sampai tak memangis. Dia akan try his best to fulfil what i want. And the only time i remember abah marah me when i was in 5 years old kot sebab kacau dia tidur. Abah dia suka memancing, sangat sangat suka. So when i was a lil girl, i used to teman my dad memancing kat kolam mancing dengan my sister. It's so funny sebab kiteorang je budak kat situ and sibuk tengok orang mancing. Bila kiteorang dah start bosan abah akan, jom jalan kolam ni tgk ikan orang. We got super excited bila abah cakap camtu. Or abah akan bagi duit so that kiteorang beli some drinks and foods kat stall situ. My parents ajar kiteorang if i want something, i should be excel in my studies. So i kena dapat tempat 1,2 or 3. So when i was in year 3, for the first time i got no 1 in my class. Selalunya no 2 dan kebawah :D So i remembered i asked my dad to buy me a Barbie sebab masa tu semua kawan sheda ada barbie. And that is when i got my first Barbie, sheda pergi beli dengan abah. And my mom, dia akan jahitkan my Babie punya dresses :') I remember abah never forget my birthday, dia akan selalu belikan hadiah and surprise me. And there's one time when i was in year 6, abah belikan mechanical pencil for engineer/architect probably he hope i will be engineer or architect one day. I should have asked him apa dia fikir masa nampak pencil tu and wanna buy it for me. Faham tak? But as i grow older, we become distant. Mungkin sebab i went to boarding school. I usually called my mom masa high school. Sebab rasa sangat awkward when cakap kat abah through the phone. Hahahaha. And probably when Dania muncul, abah selalu memangkan dania over me. Dia akan scolded me. So i rasa offended.

So fast forward, when i was in high school. Memang tak pernah call abah at all. Pernah one time call mak but abah angkat, and i was like eh abah. Mak mana? And he was like haa jap. Then thats all. So abah tahu about me through mak. But that doesnt mean we dont interact at all. Abah yang akan datang sekolah ambil. So masa i was in form 2, abah kerja kat JB. So almost every week abah dtg if dia tak balik KL. Abah akan tanya akak nak makan apa? Akak nak keluar pergi memana? And fast forward lagi masa SPM. So masa result SPM nak keluar, i mmg tak plan nak ambil result kat sekolah je. Sebab mmg tk confident langsung dengan result. And tetiba abah insist nak juga pergi ambil result kat skolah skali. Ingat lagi masatu kereta abah roadtax mati sebab tak bayar lagi. Hahaha so masa tu kereta yang ada is Kelisa. Malas nak pinjam kereta my brother or sister sebab it was really last minute  plan. We leave house after subuh, doa sempat sampai before result announcement. Alhamdulillah sempat sampai before result announcement, and nervous gila masa tu. And sekali masa dia sebut nama straight A's naik atas pentas, and yes nama i dipanggil naik. I was about to cry. Unexpected and unbelievable. Turun pentas, i went to my dad and i said, Abah orang dapat straight A's. And i saw his eyes become teary, merah and about to nangis and he hugged me. I was happy sebab i made my dad proud of me. Maybe dia rasa puas and worth it, drive KL-JB-KL naik kelisa guys non-stop. It's one day trip. 

And masa kat KMS, almost every week mak and abah visit. Kalau abah busy, jija ke sesapa akan teman mak to KMS. And i remember masa tu sheda kena demam campak, and i called my mom. I told her, orang nak balik malam ni juga. Abah rush balik rumah awal dari kerja and he drove through jam to seremban. Tahu tahu je lah kl-seremban jam cemana on weekdays. And abah and mak picked me up malam tu around 10 malam sampai. Abah pernah juga datang dengan jija visit me sekejap and keluar makan je. Abah will try to do everything to make me happy. And before i fly, he worked at myanmar. I didnt expect abah akan ada on that day masa i fly, and skali he surprised me, he flew back to malaysia just to sent me on that day. I have the best dad in the world. I wish i can tell him how much he means to me. But just because our family express love in terms of action instead of words, thus i never be able to tell him, I love you so much abah. And i should probably call my abah now. But, semua orang sure busy kat rumah bulan puasa ni. Okay thanks sape sanggup baca till the end. Next time i will nag about my supermom pula. Hehehe. So moral of the story, ayah dia tetap akan sayang anak dia macam mana sekali pun even he never said it to you. but yknow, dad will always be dad.

p/s: meleleh okay sheda write

this post. Hahaha, and  do

pray for me to pass this finals

with flying colour. Amin

it's time to let it go

I just realized that im losing you. No longer your mused. I thought im gonna be okay. So this is how it feel likes, when you were attached to someone, no matter how bad they treated you, but you still want them in your arm because you love them. People may say you crazy or stupid, but they dont understand what you feel. they dont see it the way you see it. 

Regarding the previous post, sheda takde lah benci sangat sekolah. Ada je good memories tapi banyak bad memories daripada good. Plus sheda bersykur and berterima kasih kepada semua cikgu cikgu yg pernah ajar sheda up till this day. They meant a lot to me. And keberkatan ilmu itu juga penting, maksudnya jaga hubungan ni dengan manusia pun penting.

Social media is a place where you cannot express yourself

So yesterday i posted a status in Facebook telling about my bad memories when i was in high school. Because what happened is still fresh in my mind. What that warden said to me is still lingers in my head and for me, it is kind of rude for her to say that to me. I didnt even mention her name in my status. But of course my schoolmate know who she is. But yeah whatever.

I was telling a status kind of more like a story. MY INTENTION WAS TO MAKE IT AS A  LESSON FOR EVERYBODY. I want my facebook friends to know that, no matter what happened or mad you are never ever say something mean and rude! And i wanna them to know how much it affects me or other people. I probably can say i was mentally abused back then isnt it? Despite of i was a naughty girl, but boleh dikatakan dia fitnah me lah masa tu because i didnt have any intentions of doing as what she was thinking. And then when she said something unacceptable i couldnt take it. I mean she humiliated me and judged me? I respected her as you know elderly, teacher and what not. I didnt even talk back. I just went out and i felt like first i was mad because she accused me was not right, then tambah tambah she said all those things, membara beb hati.

Okay some people said macam janganlah humiliate her even i didnt mention her name but there are still some people know siapa dia and some tanya kenapa out of the blue i nak confess. First, that wasnt my intention nak humiliate her but my intention was nak bagitahu org jangan cakap benda benda tak elok kt orang especially when you are a teacher cakap benda macam tu kt budak yang nak grow up, budak tu akan terkesan (mentally abuse is far worst than physically abuse). Second, siapa kata dia out of the blue? I waited and had pendam all those things yg bad and macam mana org buat kat i masa kat sekolah for few years and now i just nak let it out because it has been more than 5 years and i thought people dont give a damn about that. Because i dont care about my high school anymore or even whatever related to it.

Kalau nak list down betapa banyak i hate my high school year banyak sangat. I hate the environment and almost everything. Thats why my circle from high school sikit because i am tired dengan orang bertalam talam muka and mengutuk each other. I've been through it, even after keluar sekolah pun perangai sama. Aku sendiri pernah kena aku tahu perasaan dia macam mana. Please laa whoever think i wrote sebab nak menjatuhkan sesiapa ke apa memang tkde niat langsung. Boleh tak buka sikit minda tu? Boleh korang pun berhusnuzon dengan aku? You dont know what ive been through so please. I know benda benda ni buat who i am today. And yes it is. But it still a lesson i wanna tell to people supaya dorang tak jadi dungu and takde commonsense. Arghhhhh stress aku.

Thats why i love KMS. Pernah weh aku keluar pukul 12 tengah malam nak pergi NKI (mamak) near our college masa tu. Kiteorang 6 org semua perempuan. Kantoi dengan warden paling garang masa tu, kena lecture kat mamak tu lek je kiteorang. Dia takdelah cakap apa just cakap kenapa macam ni bahaya semua and dia kata smua perempuan kalau kena culik cemana. But in a marah aka tengking kind of way kat mamak tu, ending of her lecture dia cakap i taknak pape jadi kat uolls sebab i sayang students i (even dia AL punya teacher bukan IB pun). Please promise jangan buat lagi. Dia just suruh bagi nama on her table je tomorrow morning. Kiteorang kena marah dengan 5 orang cikgu kot. But chill je. Dorang cakap marah marah tapi end up lembut je semua. See the difference now?

Memang aku type ni dalam keadaan marah dan ego. Tapi please lah you guys faham juga aku. Social media is a place where one's wants to express what they feel or what not. Jangan jadi judges tak berbayar.

sayat.me/shedahamidiah

Thank for those who tell me things that are so sweet and supportive. It is very sweet of you guys saying of those little things that i did to you which some i dont even remember (I am so sorry). You know, you never know how much it meant for someone if you did even small things. And thanks for make me realized that i am appreciated and make me feel that there are some people do care about me. It is like the things that i wanna hear for such a long time. You guys make me realised that how important kindness is. How can even small kindness that you make can turn someone's day to getting better :')

You know when you feel that life is getting hard you feel that you cant achieve what you want in your life, but actually there is some people who is still rooting for you. You just dont know that. Ya Allah i am so thankful for those who know me and always hoping the best for me. InsyaAllah, i will pray for you guys punya success juga, and yes thank you thank you sooo much semua yg sentiasa ada for me and even someone yg ingat good things about me. You guys make me feel so happy and grateful because we met at some point of our lives and i do hope we will across each other paths again the future. Insya-Allah :)

xoxo,

Sheda

What a bad day

I went to hospital for another appointment today. Because of that i was unable to attend the morning classes, which i am scared my attendance is not enough to sit for final :( Omo. Then, during practical classes, my typhodant teeth, a fake teeth whic need to be mounted on the jaws for pre-clinical work jatuh kat lantai then hilang. My Tofflemiere retainer pun ada part tu jatuh kat lantai hilang. So we have this lubang bawah meja kat lab tu which i called 'Lubang Puaka'

Every benda jatuh je kat bawah lantai, chances for you nak jumpa balik your stuff is like 20%. And if you dgr sound dia jatuh mcam kuat kuat kuat tetiba hilang, CONFIRM KUBANG PUAKA TU DAH SEDUT. Even kau suluh ke apa dalam lubang puaka tu, KAU TAK AKAN JUMPA!!! Boleh tak all this stuffs yg hilang tu mahal. Dah lah nak final, time time ni lah nak hilanglah nak rosak laaa etc etc.

Ya Allah, berilah kesabaran kepada hati yg teraniaya dengan lubang puaka tu. Amin.


p/s: sheda bosan. sorry lah kalau banyak meroyan kat sini. Meroyan kat twitter orang marah, meroyan kat insta orang annoy. Hmm kat blog je lah mampu.