Random thoughts that come to my mind

I just wanna share my thoughts and also my conversation with my partner today. He called me after 3 days, he's been so busy for the past few days and we're on our rough time. Can't blame my menstruation for this. I guess this is the part of growing up. Few mins before we ended the call, i looked at him, we both quiet and not saying anything. Then i said, 'i'm sorry'. He asked me 'why?' I told him 'because you know me right now. We should be happy before be in a relationship instead of being in a relationship to find happiness. It's all wrong.' - it's not your responsible to make me happy. I should make myself happy. Because of i'm not happy with myself, i became extra sensitive and being needy most of the time. I wish i'm simple and not overthink about everything. 

I'm so grateful to have him. He's seen my worst. But that's not really the worst. I'm afraid of me being myself but what if he gets tired of it. I might be cheerful at times but other time i might always wanting to have my own space and thinking about my life. And there'll be times i need him a little bit more. I hope he will support me through my ups and downs. I won't expect him to be there to cheer me up. But i hope he will support me to be better and trust my capabilities. I know it's a long process and takes a lot of time and effort. I wish he will bear all those days when it's hard for us. I wish to do the same for him as well. I hope i'm not being selfish this time around because for the first time in my life, i want something more than myself. I pray a little harder. I told Him about my partner. When days are nice and when days were kinda rough. I know He will help me because He knows the best.

And here goes to my past relationships, i know most of the time i was being needy and selfish. It must has been hard for them to deal with me. I was young and immature. Expecting others to make me feel better when i was mad or had my mental breakdown. Though, it didn't end up well. Mostly because of my temper and inconsideration. But all those things made me who i am today. I look back and realised why it didn't end up well. I learnt from it. I started to control my temper and thoughts. Even though it's not fully berjaya laa i would say, but i would to take things at slower phase tapi maintain it. But at the same time, it scares me juga like when things jadi i rasa did i make the same thing again? Am i going back to my old self. I just hope i will be better each day.

Apart from that, i always pray that Allah will make myself a better person. Because i know kalau i jaga hubungan dengan Dia, buat apa Dia suruh everything will fall into their own places. So just keep on doa and do the good deeds. Biar sikit asalkan istiqomah. Stay home and stay safe everyone, xx sheda