Saturday, 27 May 2017

it's time to let it go

I just realized that im losing you. No longer your mused. I thought im gonna be okay. So this is how it feel likes, when you were attached to someone, no matter how bad they treated you, but you still want them in your arm because you love them. People may say you crazy or stupid, but they dont understand what you feel. they dont see it the way you see it. 

Sunday, 14 May 2017

Regarding the previous post, sheda takde lah benci sangat sekolah. Ada je good memories tapi banyak bad memories daripada good. Plus sheda bersykur and berterima kasih kepada semua cikgu cikgu yg pernah ajar sheda up till this day. They meant a lot to me. And keberkatan ilmu itu juga penting, maksudnya jaga hubungan ni dengan manusia pun penting.

Social media is a place where you cannot express yourself

So yesterday i posted a status in Facebook telling about my bad memories when i was in high school. Because what happened is still fresh in my mind. What that warden said to me is still lingers in my head and for me, it is kind of rude for her to say that to me. I didnt even mention her name in my status. But of course my schoolmate know who she is. But yeah whatever.

I was telling a status kind of more like a story. MY INTENTION WAS TO MAKE IT AS A  LESSON FOR EVERYBODY. I want my facebook friends to know that, no matter what happened or mad you are never ever say something mean and rude! And i wanna them to know how much it affects me or other people. I probably can say i was mentally abused back then isnt it? Despite of i was a naughty girl, but boleh dikatakan dia fitnah me lah masa tu because i didnt have any intentions of doing as what she was thinking. And then when she said something unacceptable i couldnt take it. I mean she humiliated me and judged me? I respected her as you know elderly, teacher and what not. I didnt even talk back. I just went out and i felt like first i was mad because she accused me was not right, then tambah tambah she said all those things, membara beb hati.

Okay some people said macam janganlah humiliate her even i didnt mention her name but there are still some people know siapa dia and some tanya kenapa out of the blue i nak confess. First, that wasnt my intention nak humiliate her but my intention was nak bagitahu org jangan cakap benda benda tak elok kt orang especially when you are a teacher cakap benda macam tu kt budak yang nak grow up, budak tu akan terkesan (mentally abuse is far worst than physically abuse). Second, siapa kata dia out of the blue? I waited and had pendam all those things yg bad and macam mana org buat kat i masa kat sekolah for few years and now i just nak let it out because it has been more than 5 years and i thought people dont give a damn about that. Because i dont care about my high school anymore or even whatever related to it.

Kalau nak list down betapa banyak i hate my high school year banyak sangat. I hate the environment and almost everything. Thats why my circle from high school sikit because i am tired dengan orang bertalam talam muka and mengutuk each other. I've been through it, even after keluar sekolah pun perangai sama. Aku sendiri pernah kena aku tahu perasaan dia macam mana. Please laa whoever think i wrote sebab nak menjatuhkan sesiapa ke apa memang tkde niat langsung. Boleh tak buka sikit minda tu? Boleh korang pun berhusnuzon dengan aku? You dont know what ive been through so please. I know benda benda ni buat who i am today. And yes it is. But it still a lesson i wanna tell to people supaya dorang tak jadi dungu and takde commonsense. Arghhhhh stress aku.

Thats why i love KMS. Pernah weh aku keluar pukul 12 tengah malam nak pergi NKI (mamak) near our college masa tu. Kiteorang 6 org semua perempuan. Kantoi dengan warden paling garang masa tu, kena lecture kat mamak tu lek je kiteorang. Dia takdelah cakap apa just cakap kenapa macam ni bahaya semua and dia kata smua perempuan kalau kena culik cemana. But in a marah aka tengking kind of way kat mamak tu, ending of her lecture dia cakap i taknak pape jadi kat uolls sebab i sayang students i (even dia AL punya teacher bukan IB pun). Please promise jangan buat lagi. Dia just suruh bagi nama on her table je tomorrow morning. Kiteorang kena marah dengan 5 orang cikgu kot. But chill je. Dorang cakap marah marah tapi end up lembut je semua. See the difference now?

Memang aku type ni dalam keadaan marah dan ego. Tapi please lah you guys faham juga aku. Social media is a place where one's wants to express what they feel or what not. Jangan jadi judges tak berbayar.

Thursday, 11 May 2017

Thank for those who tell me things that are so sweet and supportive. It is very sweet of you guys saying of those little things that i did to you which some i dont even remember (I am so sorry). You know, you never know how much it meant for someone if you did even small things. And thanks for make me realized that i am appreciated and make me feel that there are some people do care about me. It is like the things that i wanna hear for such a long time. You guys make me realised that how important kindness is. How can even small kindness that you make can turn someone's day to getting better :')

You know when you feel that life is getting hard you feel that you cant achieve what you want in your life, but actually there is some people who is still rooting for you. You just dont know that. Ya Allah i am so thankful for those who know me and always hoping the best for me. InsyaAllah, i will pray for you guys punya success juga, and yes thank you thank you sooo much semua yg sentiasa ada for me and even someone yg ingat good things about me. You guys make me feel so happy and grateful because we met at some point of our lives and i do hope we will across each other paths again the future. Insya-Allah :)


Thursday, 4 May 2017

What a bad day

I went to hospital for another appointment today. Because of that i was unable to attend the morning classes, which i am scared my attendance is not enough to sit for final :( Omo. Then, during practical classes, my typhodant teeth, a fake teeth whic need to be mounted on the jaws for pre-clinical work jatuh kat lantai then hilang. My Tofflemiere retainer pun ada part tu jatuh kat lantai hilang. So we have this lubang bawah meja kat lab tu which i called 'Lubang Puaka'

Every benda jatuh je kat bawah lantai, chances for you nak jumpa balik your stuff is like 20%. And if you dgr sound dia jatuh mcam kuat kuat kuat tetiba hilang, CONFIRM KUBANG PUAKA TU DAH SEDUT. Even kau suluh ke apa dalam lubang puaka tu, KAU TAK AKAN JUMPA!!! Boleh tak all this stuffs yg hilang tu mahal. Dah lah nak final, time time ni lah nak hilanglah nak rosak laaa etc etc.

Ya Allah, berilah kesabaran kepada hati yg teraniaya dengan lubang puaka tu. Amin.

p/s: sheda bosan. sorry lah kalau banyak meroyan kat sini. Meroyan kat twitter orang marah, meroyan kat insta orang annoy. Hmm kat blog je lah mampu.

Tuesday, 2 May 2017

Post eye surgery

Since i've been staying at home all alone for quite some times. It triggers so many things. I thought i could sit back and relax my mind, you know when you have the free time. But it happens otherwise. My mind cant stop thinking. Thinking about my life, my future, all sorts of things keep coming.

Someone told me that, if i'm scared of my future, i'm in the right track. But really, thinking about what happen next, or what my life will be in the future is so scared. And yeah bosan sangat duduk rumah since i cannot hadap my laptop or my phone for a long time. So what i did was literally sleep, eat and slep again and the cycle repeat. Harini pergi class macam a big mistakes je because my eyes jadi sangat dry and irritated so much that i feel like dying. Kalau nangis elok lah juga at least tears will keep my eyes wet tapi tak nangis pun. Ya Allah, cepatlah july. Cepatlah habis belajar somehow :(

Monday, 1 May 2017

Breakup is still a break-up

Even though someone might say, it's okay, you will forget him eventually or you will be happy. And all those advices they might give you. You still feel sad deep down inside. Maybe you might see that this is coming (the breakups) but when it happens eventually, you will sad, lonely and depress.

It's juts because you used to be with that person before this. All those little things he did, he said or they way he smile made you happy before this, or the way he calm you down when you get mad, or the way he talks, or eat. You will miss all those little things. Because things will be different from now on. Youre no longer his sidekick, no longer the one he's looking for after something happen. Youre no longer gonna seat next to him in the car listening to same musics. Youre no longer seat in front of him during lunchtime. Things will be different.

You might find someone new after this. But all those things you did with your ex will be different with your new partner. You are going to a new journey and learning a new character and again trying to fit in.

But you will be okay. Someday, somewhere. When you start to accept that things have changed and everything happens for a reason. You will be okay.  And dont forget that Allah is the one who holds people heart. Pray to Him. Always.