I had my first heart broken when i was 19 years old. I feel like my world is collapsed and i didn't know what my future holds me. It is indeed one of those period of times which is very hard for me to face. I thought as i grow bigger, i can overcome all the circumstances in my life as i thought i already faced the hardest phase of my life. But, i am wrong.
Coming to India and studying here is the biggest decision i made by myself. My mom already advised me about it. But i chose to stick to my decision. I thought everything will just fine or at least be normal and time will fly so fast that i wont realize it. But again, i am wrong. Living here is the another hardest phase in my life. The environment, people, college and even the animals can irritate me. And even worst, i just started to curse at everything that makes me annoy. Even when the cow is sitting in the middle of the road, i will whine.
At first I didnt realize that i am changing. You know, from someone yang can sabar to some extent to a person yg being extra panas baran. And the worst thing is, i started thinking of so many things. I didnt know how it is started but i started feeling of dont wanna do anything. I just wanna sleep all day errday. I dont want to interact as i think everything annoys me. And makin lama i rasa that everyone abandoned me here. I started being stressful on so many things. And ended up, im having a mild depression. And even sometimes, some things were just annoyed me, stressed me up - i started thinking of how does it feel to cut myself. How does it feel if i kill myself. And the hardest thing is, when i open up to someone, that how miserable my life is, and even said that i thought about suicide, they'll tell me. "Sheda awak ni islam kan?" "jangan buat benda bodoh sheda" "Sheda solat jaga ibadat, baca Quran". The funny thing is, i never skipped my solat, i read Quran, from time to time i do listen to ceramah in youtube or whatnot. I am sad because no one, wants to know what i feel deep inside me. It's just all messed up down here. And now, i just keep everything to myself.
Maybe it's true, my iman is not strong enough. Who knows isnt it? I'm writing this is not to get any attention from anyone, but just to make people realize that, there's a lot people like me. Yang feeling devastated, down, stress and depress. But when they started open up to you, please listen. If you dont have anything to say, at least being a listener. Jangan simply judge that we dont solat or ibadat ke apa. Some of us, we never forget our obligation. We just need a company. Who wants to listen and be there.
Coming to India and studying here is the biggest decision i made by myself. My mom already advised me about it. But i chose to stick to my decision. I thought everything will just fine or at least be normal and time will fly so fast that i wont realize it. But again, i am wrong. Living here is the another hardest phase in my life. The environment, people, college and even the animals can irritate me. And even worst, i just started to curse at everything that makes me annoy. Even when the cow is sitting in the middle of the road, i will whine.
At first I didnt realize that i am changing. You know, from someone yang can sabar to some extent to a person yg being extra panas baran. And the worst thing is, i started thinking of so many things. I didnt know how it is started but i started feeling of dont wanna do anything. I just wanna sleep all day errday. I dont want to interact as i think everything annoys me. And makin lama i rasa that everyone abandoned me here. I started being stressful on so many things. And ended up, im having a mild depression. And even sometimes, some things were just annoyed me, stressed me up - i started thinking of how does it feel to cut myself. How does it feel if i kill myself. And the hardest thing is, when i open up to someone, that how miserable my life is, and even said that i thought about suicide, they'll tell me. "Sheda awak ni islam kan?" "jangan buat benda bodoh sheda" "Sheda solat jaga ibadat, baca Quran". The funny thing is, i never skipped my solat, i read Quran, from time to time i do listen to ceramah in youtube or whatnot. I am sad because no one, wants to know what i feel deep inside me. It's just all messed up down here. And now, i just keep everything to myself.
Maybe it's true, my iman is not strong enough. Who knows isnt it? I'm writing this is not to get any attention from anyone, but just to make people realize that, there's a lot people like me. Yang feeling devastated, down, stress and depress. But when they started open up to you, please listen. If you dont have anything to say, at least being a listener. Jangan simply judge that we dont solat or ibadat ke apa. Some of us, we never forget our obligation. We just need a company. Who wants to listen and be there.
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